All the Things I Should
by Nyneve
Summary: Heero reflects on his relationship with Setsuna. The confusing sequel to the equallyconfusing Love Will Kill You.


All the Things I Should've…

Author:  Nyneve

*yawn*  Man, I'm tired!  But, I'm inspired.  And if I go to sleep, I'll lose my inspiration.  So, I've decided to deliver to you the sequel to "Love Will Kill You", since I'm in a sequel mood.  This time, I'm writing from Heero's perspective.  Meaning the story might sound a little different than the Setsuna's.  But that's what makes it fun!  Okay, I've yapped too much.  So, I will just get to the fic while I listen to the music from Vampire Princess Miyu (one of my new addictions).  And you can read.  Don't own the anime.

-Werewolf Queen Nyneve

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It's warm out today.

But I still feel cold.

Ever since that day, I've been cold.

Even now, I curse myself for all the things I put you through, and for finally destroying you.  Strange, since I always thought you were immortal.  You were heartless, soulless.  Maybe that's why nothing ever hurt you.  Except me.

Please forgive me.  I know this drives you even further from me, but I love you.

You're the only one I ever said that to.  I didn't even say it to Relena on the cold nights we spent together.  Even though that's what she wanted to hear, I just couldn't say it.  If I did, I'd be consumed.  I'd never be able to leave her, never be able to come back to you.  Then again, I don't even know if you missed me when I was gone.  Probably not.  But something made you come for me.  I'd like to ask you what it was, but I can't find you.

Come to think of it, there are a lot of things I'd like to ask you about.  You were always one to explain things well.  I could listen to you for hours.  Your voice…how to describe it?  So calm, so clear.  It was a voice to raise the dead.  Or it _is_ a voice to raise the dead?  I don't know.  Maybe you're still out there, living like you told me you did before we met.

I remember that day almost fondly.  But then, I'd let every ounce of feeling be dragged out of me, like hooks that snagged and tore the fabric of my soul.  Anyways, that was the day J had asked me to kill Vice Foreign Minister Dorlian.  We were talking, when suddenly, you just appeared there like an apparition.  Who knows?  Maybe that's what you were.  

J didn't appreciate your eavesdropping.  I didn't care.  But just seeing you sitting there…no one could kill you without a reason.  You had that strange, dark, purity around you.  It made you innocent, for lack of a better word.

Still, I see myself shoving against that wall by pure instinct.  You were my enemy, and had to be obliterated.  I even tried.  But you were unaffected by all things, emotional and physical.  That was when you explained you had nowhere to go.  You were alone since a child.

That was when you first kindled the spark of spirit inside me.  When you said that, I felt…well, Usagi once put it into words.  What did she say?  Oh yeah.  Kindred spirits.  We were so alike, you and I.  Emotionless, careless, empty.  Knowing that, it made me feel better.

I still can't figure out what happened to J after that.  I don't really care.  I remember our eyes meeting, and for the first time since I had become a living weapon, I was afraid.  You saw right through me, I could tell.  You saw things inside me that I couldn't, and probably knew more about me than I myself did.  What was worse was that I could see inside you too.  And you were empty.

Well, not completely empty.  Curiosity seemed to be the fabric of your being.  And yet, you were so wise and strong, I couldn't understand how one like you, who knew everything there was to know about the universe, could still be curious.  

You asked me my name, and I gave it.  But when I asked yours, you said it was "Pluto".  That's another thing I still want to ask.  Why would you have named yourself after the God of the Underworld?  I see that fitting to Duo more than you.  You, I'd call Minerva, for your wisdom and ability to guide.  Right now, I'd have to say it's thanks to you that I lasted this long.  During the war, I'd have never lived through it without you helping me choose the path back to my humanity.  Just one more thing to thank you for.

It didn't take me long to realize how, if you could help me change from a weapon to a human, you could make me into a good person.  I wanted…no, _needed_ you to change me.  I hated myself, and loved you.  But I could never say that.  I wanted you to think I was strong like you, able to suppress my emotions at exactly the right time.  I know now that you never suppressed your emotions.  You didn't have any to begin with.  But the way we would lay together at night always made it seem as though you did.

Sometimes I felt hurt and angry when you said you couldn't change me.  I needed to become better myself.  Maybe, if I hadn't been so blind, I wouldn't have turned to Relena and Usagi.  Then, things could've gone on exactly as they were.  I didn't need you to say you had feelings for me.  Most of the time I doubted you did.  But every moment I spent with you I treasure now, and I'd trade them all for just one more.

I hate myself even more now, for being so stupid.  Oh God, why did I have to abandon you?

Maybe it was Relena's spell.  She was so different from you.  So full of everything.  It was overwhelming, yet invigorating being with her.  I heard her say she loved me thousands of times, her fingers were permanently entwined with mine, and her lips were mine for the taking at any given second.  But she didn't complete me like you did.  That was okay at the time though.  Because she was changing me and turning me into the man I wanted to be.  The man I wanted you to be proud of.

I wanted you to see my transformation, so I would visit you at night.  For some insane reason, I thought that if you could see what I could be, you could be that way too.  I had learned from Relena that no one should be empty.  You least of all.  

Fortunately, you saw right through me, and right through the puppet master that was controlling me.  You knew that even though Relena was changing me, she was slowly draining the life out of me.  But you did get one thing wrong:  you thought I wanted to be empty.  However, everything felt wrong and was whirling out of control.  So I listened to you again.  

Although your reasons were wrong, the effect was what I wanted.  I had you back, and I was willing to sacrifice it all for you.  The guilt was overwhelming; I never should've left you.  But you were so reassuring that it would be okay and that you accepted me.  And yet, I still didn't figure out that the one thing that that would've made me happy was you.

Ironic, isn't it?  I left you to make myself a better person, so that you'd be happier.  And in the end, it turns out that the way I'd become a better person would be by being complete.  Which meant being with you.

And I was still to stupid and blind to see that.  I think now about where I got the idea that, maybe Usagi could do the job.

I remember when we met.  Some psycho had attacked her in a park.  I didn't want to see an innocent person get hurt, so I told the guy to back off.  She was young still, and fell in love at first sight.  At least, that's what she said.

I don't know why I allowed her to tag along after me.  Eventually, I started spending the night at her house.  That was when I understood what Relena had been doing to me.  Usagi had been hurt, and I liked to believe I was healing her, just like Relena had believed she was healing me.  In the end, I did it to make you proud.  To show you that I cared about other people, you most of all.  Unfortunately, the "healing" started to become addictive.  Usagi started to fill me.

But there was no turning back now.  I realized there was nothing I could do to protect myself, or you.  Every time I'd lay my hand on Usagi, I was hurting you.  And there was no help for me now, because it was Usagi that was controlling me.  

Did you cry that night, after I told you you couldn't save me?  After I officially left you to allow myself to be consumed by the child I found in the park?  In the late hours, I hoped so.  It would've truly meant that you cared about me.  That gave me the strength to hold onto life another day.

Then Usagi did the unthinkable.  She ended it with me, because she said she couldn't go behind Relena's back anymore.  Then Relena appeared, and I couldn't fight back.  I can't really remember the time I spent in that warm room.  I was always either asleep, or in the suffocatingly tender embrace of Relena.  Sometimes she'd allow Usagi to feed off of my soul, but most of the time it was her.

One day, I remember wanting to let go more than anything.  I tried, with one of the silky sheets wrapped tightly around my neck.  But when I pulled, I saw your face.  You were coming.  I didn't know how I knew, but I was going to be with you again.  I couldn't die before that happened.  So I let go, and fell back into the deathlike stupor I'd become accustomed to.

For once, I dreamt.  I saw angels.  But they couldn't have been angels.  Their light was so bright it was blinding, making my eyes burn.  Then suddenly, the light was cut off by smooth darkness.  A demon.  Yet, an amazingly beautiful demon, with hair like ivy and eyes like garnets.  The blinding light tried over and over to chase away the darkness, but it prevailed.

Then I woke up in your arms.

To this day, I have not felt anything so beautiful.  I saw tears on your face; I don't think you knew you were crying.  Everything about you was perfect, and you had come to deliver me from the light that was burning me.  I loved you then more than I ever did.

But I made the mistake of telling you.

You went pale for a minute, then held me so tight it was almost suffocating.  But I didn't care.  Because that's when you said you loved me too.  We were complete.

For three seconds.

The next thing I knew, I was in a frozen room, bare of everything.  It was so dark, yet I saw everything clearly.  You were gone.

I called your name over and over again.  I walked out of the room, and out of the house.  Everywhere it was dark.  That whole night, I searched for you, calling your name and never getting an answer.  When the sun finally rose, I felt emptier than I ever did.  And I've been cold ever since.

That was a long time ago.  Since then, I've had enough time to search all the stars twice, looking for you.  But you weren't there.  I checked the outskirts of the universe, but you weren't there either.  I even looked inside myself, hoping to find you dwelling where my heart should be.  And still I didn't find you.

But I think you're out there, somewhere.  Are you waiting for me?  I hope so.

I'll find you yet, Pluto.  Even if it takes eternity.

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Ah yes!  Yet another utterly confusing story courtesy of Nyneve!  R+R+R!


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